Noah’s Ark – The Worst Hamburger in the World
Burger King has an application on their website that lets you make your own custom hamburger. It got posted to the Something Awful Forums, where we had our typical bit of fun with it. Then we got wondering whether or not Burger King would actually make some of the monstrosities were coming up with. I volunteered to find out, and this is the result.
I’m at a total loss of words to describe the experience of eating the Noah’s Ark. It tastes like rubber, smells like a slaughterhouse, and contains enough grease to run your car.
No one at the Burger King I went to knew if they were even allowed to make the damn thing, but it was eventually given the okay by a very confused manager. It came wrapped in six Whopper wrappers and I had to carry it out in a family-size take-out bag. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the smell out it of my car.
I was able to fit the thing in my mouth by squeezing the hell out of it, which caused the ketchup and mayo to mix with the grease and form a constant stream of orange goo to leak out the bottom. The first thing that hit me was the grease. Then the taste kicked in, and it honestly felt like I had a mouthful of rubber bands and melted plastic. The different consistencies of the meat made them all mix together into beef and chicken chunks in a fish and veggie gravy. My body rejected it on the first bite, but I managed to eat nearly a quarter of it before I started getting the dry heaves and had to put it down.
The Noah’s Ark costs $16.89 and is available at Burger King’s everywhere.
