Red Robin presents: The Onion Infinite!
Standing a staggering 7 inches tall, the Onion Infinite will satisfy your deepest craving for melted cheese slathered in mayonnaise. So big it has to be served on a stick, the Onion Infinite combines teryaki beef, fried onions, spicy mayonnaise, and eight slices of cheese into a sandwich that tells your heart to go fuck itself. It’s man food time.
The Onion Infinite was created by Sole.Sushi. All blame should go to him.
Pepper jack double
Banzai beef patty
Banzai beef patty
Another of this burger
The Onion Infinite is a recursive hamburger, meaning that it contains a copy of itself as an ingredient, which contains a copy of itself as an ingredient, and so on to infinity. We decided to only eat two, but maybe one day the technology will exist for a truly infinite hamburger. It will be served with a glass of Coke in a Klein bottle.
Ancho mayo and angry onions weren’t available, so we substituted in red onions and a fried egg in honor of Smash Mouth.
Last year I ate a hamburger called the Noah’s Ark, a goon invention consisting of two of every animal. Two beef patties, two chicken patties, two fish patties, two veggie patties, and two helpings of bacon. It was documented in this Comedy Goldmine, and in this video of me trying and failing to eat it. The video got passed around the internet, and was seen by a man named Big Josh, who took on the challenge and actually finished the whole thing. I got in contact with him on Twitter, and me and him have been shit-talking each other for it over the last year and a half. We’ve been talking about doing a hamburger showdown, and we decided it was finally time after raddits posted this thread.
Last Saturday I drove several hours across the province to meet Josh, so we could settle our spat the way only two responsible grown men approaching 30 can: making complete asses of ourselves in front of a restaurant full of gawking onlookers. Now, I’d been training for this all week, including eating the Onion Infinite Jr, and beating the Smash Mouth 24 egg challenge. I was feeling pretty confident that I could eat the burger the fastest, or at least eat the most before giving up. Then I met my opponent.
Guess which one I am.
I knew right away that I was completely fucked. I’m 5’8 and 130 pounds. Josh is 6’8 and over 300 pounds. If I had known this beforehand, I probably wouldn’t have driven three hours with a car full of friends to watch me be utterly humiliated, and then filmed and put on the internet so random strangers can tell me what a colossal faggot I am. But I was already there, so we went to Red Robin.
The waitress had a little bit of difficulty trying to understand just what the hell I was trying to order, or why I needed two of them. Then Josh ordered two, and we started to attract an audience. Staff, patrons, even entire families started coming over to see what the fuss was about.
I ordered and entire pitcher of water to wash down the burger. My strategy was the same as the one I’d been practising all week: small bites, swallow with water, repeat until finished or opponent gives up.
Then the burgers were delivered.
Now I’m doubly fucked. Put together, the Onion Infinite stands a whopping seven inches tall.
Josh tried to get his to a proper size by squishing it down, while I put mine on a skewer and started vainly gnawing at the edges.
My water strategy immediately went out the window after I took one bite and realized cheese doesn’t break down in water. I had to just plow through the whole thing and hope my opponent gave up, or died, or something.
The burger itself was actually pretty good. I would order an Onion Infinite if it was maybe a quarter of the size of the real one. All the strange flavors balanced each other out nicely into a strangely sweet, but spicy hamburger. At least, until you made your way towards the ultra-dense onion-packed centre.
The middle of the Onion Infinite is so onion-y that we started sweating down our backs, giving our quickly growing audience the horrific sight of two grown men eating hamburgers larger than their heads, shirts drenched in sweat, faces smeared in various sauces and mayonnaise flavors, belching and and trying not to barf, while another group of grown men giggled and filmed and took pictures.
We were both in agreement at this point that it was actually a good thing our wives weren’t there to support us.
A man walked by at this point and muttered “Jesus Christ” and shook his head in disapproval, and people started to walk away in disgust. I had to take off my glasses because they were so smeared in various Onion Infinite juices that I couldn’t see out of them.
I was feeling pretty good when I figured I was about a third of the way through the burger. I was still making good pace, and still had some room in my belly for a little more Onion Infinite. Then I looked over at Josh and saw that he was finishing his last bite. He ate the entire thing in less than ten minutes. He swallowed the Onion Infinite like a goddamned anaconda.
Josh got a round of applause from everyone watching, which now included a significant portion of the kitchen staff. Complete strangers mocked me to my face, and then as a final insult, the waitress brought us each the bill for one Onion Infinite.
I humbly bow the the amazing eating skills of Big Josh. He’s beaten me twice, once in front of the internet, and once face-to-face in front of both friends and strangers. In fact, here’s a video of Josh destroying me in the Onion Infinite challenge.
The Onion Infinite is available at Red Robin restaurants for only $37.25