Oh shit, you were supposed to cook dinner tonight, weren’t you? It’s 5:30, your wife is home at 6, and she’s gonna be seriously pissed if you try to take her to Wendy’s again. She’s catching on that you’re incompetent in the kitchen, you’d better come up with something quick!
So, what are you going to cook tonight? Quick, try to remember what you have in your freezer! It’s no use, all you ever take out of there are frozen pizzas and Popsicles. Screw it, you’ve probably got some chicken in there, and you remember seeing a box of spaghetti next to those canned raviolis you always eat at 2am when you come home drunk and the all the pizza delivery places are closed. Punch “chicken pasta” into Google and see what happens. Bingo! Alright, let’s see what we’ve got:
Angel Chicken Pasta
Ingredients
6 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1/4 cup butter
1 (.7 ounce) package dry Italian-style salad dressing mix
1/2 cup white wine
1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed golden mushroom soup
4 ounces cream cheese with chives
1 pound angel hair pasta
Directions
1.Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
2.In a large saucepan, melt butter over low heat. Stir in the package of dressing mix. Blend in wine and golden mushroom soup. Mix in cream cheese, and stir until smooth. Heat through, but do not boil. Arrange chicken breasts in a single layer in a 9×13 inch baking dish. Pour sauce over.
3.Bake for 60 minutes in the preheated oven. Twenty minutes before the chicken is done, bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a rolling boil. Cook pasta until al dente, about 5 minutes. Drain. Serve chicken and sauce over pasta.
Well, that doesn’t sound too hard! And there’s booze in it! Go root around in your freezer for some chicken. No, put the drumsticks back, those probably won’t work. Wait, those kind of look like chicken breasts, what does the label say? Pork chops? Man, that’s a lot of freezer burn! Someone should throw those out! Put them back in the freezer and dig a little deeper. Ah, chicken breasts, there you go! You only have four of them, but fuck it, she probably won’t be that hungry.
Now you need to preheat your oven. Don’t panic, you’ve seen her do this hundreds of times. Try that button right there. Shit, now it’s on “broil”. No, I don’t know what that means either, but you’re not supposed to ever use it. No, I don’t know why they put it on there either. Maybe it’s one of those self-cleaning ovens and “broil” means “clean”. Try that button over there. Bake, that’s it! What does that digital display read? 225? Is that Fahrenheit or Celsius? Go with Fahrenheit, if you’re wrong then your dinner will be done that much quicker. It’s a no-lose situation! Crank up the temperature. Man, you’re pretty good at this!
Alright, while we’re waiting for the oven to get hot, we’ve got to find a way to thaw that chicken. Try running it under hot water. Damn, that’s not going to work. Pop it into the microwave for a few minutes and see what happens. Well, it looks thawed, try poking it with your finger. Is it spongy? Is that good? The middle feels a little frozen still, pop it in for another five minutes. Much better!
Okay, she’s going to be home in ten minutes, you’d better have all that stuff in the oven when she walks through the door. We all know what happened last time. What was step 2 again?
In a large saucepan, melt butter over low heat. Stir in the package of dressing mix. Blend in wine and golden mushroom soup. Mix in cream cheese, and stir until smooth. Heat through, but do not boil. Arrange chicken breasts in a single layer in a 9×13 inch baking dish. Pour sauce over.
What the fuck is a saucepan? Is that like a frying pan? Screw it, just use the frying pan! It’s not in the cupboard? No, I don’t know where it is, why the hell are you asking me? Is it in the dishwasher? How about the sink? Wait, isn’t there some little drawer under the oven that’s got, like, cookie sheets and stuff? Aha, there it is! Put it on a burner and toss some butter in there. Or margarine, it’s all the same. Root around your kitchen for some some dressing mix, golden mushroom soup, and white wine. You don’t have any dressing mix? You’ll have to mention this to your wife later, she should have picked some up at the store if you guys were out. It’s okay, you’ll just have to substitute it with whatever you find around your kitchen. Ah, there we go! Garlic powder, bacon bits, and nutmeg! She’s gonna love this!
Now, you don’t have any “golden” mushroom soup, but you’ve got condensed regular mushroom soup, and that’s probably close enough. Do you need to un-condense it? Probably, so toss a little bit of water in there too. How about that white wine? No, red wine probably won’t work, and that champagne is too expensive. Crap, you don’t have time to run to the store now! Wait, don’t people cook with beer all the time? Like, beer batter and stuff? Well shit, you’ve got plenty of that! Toss in a can of your favourite beer, and keep one out for yourself. You’ve earned it.
Okay, now we need some cream cheese. No, that’s sour cream. Don’t you have any cheese? No, not that big brick of cheddar, you’d need to use the grater and that thing’s a bitch to clean. Wait, there you go, an entire unopened package of Kraft Singles! You don’t even need to shred them, just toss those babies right in there! You’re really good at improvising, you could probably be on that Top Chef show if you really wanted to. Take a victory swig.
Wait, aren’t you supposed to be stirring it? Give it a couple of swishes with a fork. Good enough. Now you’re supposed to put the chicken into its own dish and pour the sauce on it. That’s kind of a waste, the sauce is already in a perfectly good dish. Toss the chicken in the frying pan. Now she’ll have one less dish to wash later! Nice going, women appreciate stuff like that. If only all men were as thoughtful as you! Take another swig.
Now for step 3:
Bake for 60 minutes in the preheated oven. Twenty minutes before the chicken is done, bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a rolling boil. Cook pasta until al dente, about 5 minutes. Drain. Serve chicken and sauce over pasta.
60 minutes? She’s gonna be walking through the door any minute! Shit! Okay, here’s what you do – crank up the temperature as high as you possibly can, and reduce it back to normal when you hear her key in the lock. Speaking of that, go lock the front door. Now put the frying pan in the oven. You’re done! You don’t have to start the pasta for another 40 minutes, and she’ll probably take over the whole thing when she walks in and sees what a good job you’ve done with the chicken.
Somebody’s getting laid tonight!
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