Bad News Central

A month or so back, I reviewed Canadian rapper Unknown Mizery’s album Slumdog Godzillionaire.  Mizery himself wrote in to comment on my review, and now he’s been nice enough to agree to an interview.  Of course, I completely avoided talking about anything remotely relevant, and instead harassed him with questions about crappy movies and Fruity Pebbles jingles:

Since most visitors to my site come here for bad movie reviews,
let’s start with that: what’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
Most Movies with Keanu Reeves (dont know how to spell it, should google it, but meh..)

What’s the worst album you’ve ever listened to?
Soulja boy and 808’s and heart breaks (although i Didnt really listen to em)

Everyone has one album that they’re embarrassed to own and hide when people come over. 
What’s yours?
I dont know about an album, but Videos I secretly enjoy are LADY GAGA videos!! LOL!!!!
truly, think her videos are creative!

Without naming names (unless you want to),
what’s the single worst live hip-hop performance you’ve ever seen?
Soulja Boy, not in person, but on TV..This dude sucks!! and oh yea, PUFFY, his
performace for “HATE ME NOW” with NAS at an old SOURCE awards.  This dude is a joke!
and a canadian rapper who is WACKKKK, FAMOUS, this kids a gimmick!

Going the other way, who do you think is the next person to burst into the mainstream?
Me, because I grind and speak my mind. People are getting tired of this
watered down bullshit hip hop.  Truly, UNKNOWN MIZERY got next,
wether the industry likes it or not.  Oh yea, FUCK FLOW 93.5, but they will have no choice
but to play me!

Over your entire career, what’s the most memorable thing you’ve done?
Been on a worldwide selling 12 inch, Free styled with Nas, Shut down a Toronto District
School Board meeting in 2007 by SPITTING A VERSE TO MUZZLE the colonial councilors till
the meeting was shut down!

The Black Eyed Peas have sold 18 million albums and 9 million singles,
including 2 million copies of “My Humps” alone. 
Do you find this encouraging or horribly depressing?
LOLLLLLLL!!!!! they try to murder hip hop! These songs are the weapons used to murder hip hop!
SHits realll depressing, especially coming from where I come from.  We were making this music
from when you couldnt make millions, we made this music as a way of life.  THESE PEOPLES!!!
they make music as GIMMICKS!! Death to all GIMMICKS!!

Asher Roth’s “I Love College” single has sold over a million copies.  Is hip-hop dead?
Hip Hop isnt DEAD yet, just in a coma! And I WILL WAKE IT UP!!
I will piss on the mainstream radio hosts across the country for promoting death and self genocide!

Hip-hop took a long time to gain any kind of mainstream acceptance,
and once it did, we started getting things like this (click to view).  Has hip-hop been portrayed unfairly by the media?
Ofcourse hip hop has been portrayed unfairly by the media. There is no balance. Only
those songs about self genocide and self deterioration are promoted. 
The reason is because, Hip Hop breaks all barriers (language, cultrure, class, etc)
and Throughout History, Music has always been an influencial tool to create change,
awareness and/or provoke an uprising/revolution.  This is the reason, one of the most
influencial voices for the people “hip hop”, is being muzzled and the corporations have
their hands upp its ass, raping it of its purity! Colonizers!!!
Also, I am tired of venues that wanna play hip hop, but dont allow baggy clothes or hats!
us rappers aren’t all like Kanye, we have Cocks and Balls that need breathing room!

Going back to that video, can you give Barney any advice on his performance?
He should say the “N” word a few more times, call his freinds, barney and his homies!!
he needs a new bling for his neck. and he needs more whores in the video!!

MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice?
VANILLA MUTHA FUCKIN ICE!!! laugh if you will, but as a youngin, I HAD HIS TAPE.
yes, I said ‘TAPE’.
alright STOP, collaborate and Listen!!!

I can’t laugh, I used to dance to “Can’t Touch This” at the rollercade.  Thanks for taking the time to answer my stupid-assed questions!

Check out Mizery’s record label, MuteScreamz, or:

Watch UNKNOWN MIZERY’S “EMPTY BUCKET” – Music Video HERE>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG4qrNEnzvM

ADD UNKNOWN MIZERY on FACEBOOK and MYSPACE – HERE>>
www.facebook.com/unknownmizery
www.myspace.com/unknownmizery

JOIN THE MUTESCREAMZ FACEBOOK GROUP!!
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=556628335#/group.php?gid=6803768140

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Features, Interviews

My mother recently hired a handyman to build a tiered garden in her backyard.  In the middle, she wanted a staircase that would link up to the back alley gate.  She came home to find this:

It’s not tiered, it’s just one three-foot wall.  It’s taller than the grade of the hill behind it.  The support posts go down about three inches, meaning the entire thing is being held up by the stairs.  It was already leaning over before any dirt was poured in it.  She called me over to her house to have a look at it, and we were able to pull the stairs apart with our bare hands.  While we were doing this, the dog climbed the stairs, hopped over, and got stuck.

She called to get him to take it down, which he begrudgingly did after she promised to buy the wood off him so I could build it properly myself.  Turns out none of the wood was salvageable, because he put the entire thing together with a nail gun.

I’m a tradesman. I just got laid off. This guy’s charging thousands of dollars to build this thing.

I don’t get it.

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My Life is a Sitcom

The last 24 hours have been an interesting ride.  A picture of me in an unfortunate pose with a sea cucumber became the second most popular picture on Reddit, bringing in roughly 30,000 visitors over the course of a day.  It’s now spread all across the internet.  I’m really glad I have a diving mask covering my face in the picture, since I sure as hell wasn’t planning on becoming “internet famous” over that.

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Updates

It’s been less than 24 hours since Michael Jackson died of a heart attack, and already the internet is flooded with “dead MJ” jokes.  Of course, this happens around any major celebrity death or trial, but thanks to the internet, the speed these jokes travel at now is astounding.  My mother still tells the story about the email she got not 10 minutes after OJ Simpson’s 1995 acquittal:

What did OJ Simpson say as he left the courtroom?
Can I have my other glove back?

Ok, so the joke itself isn’t that funny, but the speed in which someone managed to write it and send it around the planet is downright impressive.  The internet has only got faster since then, so let’s have a look at what people have come up with about Michael Jackson:

Michael Jackson’s upcoming London dates have been cancelled. They were James (aged 9) and Thomas (aged 11).

Since Michael Jackson was 99% plastic, his corpse should will melted down into lego blocks so children can play with him.

I feel sorry for his kids, they lost a father and a lover.

Michael Jackson has died of food poisoning after eating a 9-year old wiener.

What did Michael Jackson die from?
Acute little boy.

What do Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Michael Jackson have in common?
They’re both dead kiddie fiddlers.

I’m sensing a trend here.

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Music, Thoughts

I recently received, via email, an application form to display my work at Toronto’s Manifesto performing arts festival.  It was sent by the festival’s executive director.  I have no clue where she got my email address aside from my website, or how she got the idea that what I do is a performing art.  I suppose I could do a live performance piece where I sit in front a laptop while drunk, writing an endless succession of fart jokes about monster movies.  Maybe she read the About page and saw that I sing and play the harmonica, and assumed (incorrectly) that I was good at those things.

Either way, I need to get my application sent in, or I might miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay my own way to Toronto.  Since my biography on this site is woefully short, I’ve decided to write a more comprehensive one as my submission:

Robert E. Lee, known to the internet as BulletRiddled, has been writing online comedy for nearly a decade, and has amassed a worldwide cult following of almost a hundred people.  His work has been featured on sites such as Ebaum’s World and Kontraband, although he has never been credited or received one plug nickel, those thieving bastards.  He has also run several unsuccessful comedy sites over the years.  His current site, Bad News Central, was preceded by Bad News Online, which became semi-popular and gained so much traffic that he was unable to pay for the bandwidth.  It is now owned by domain squatters.

Lee first came into internet prominence by making satirical animations about the Lord of the Rings films, which people were quick to remove his name from and post as their own.  His biggest success to date has been Disaster Movie Contest, which encouraged people to predict what jokes would be seen in Disaster Movie.  It received more traffic than the actual movie website, and his resultant review has been read by more than 200,000 people, as well as getting ripped off by dozens of other people who stripped his name off it and posted it as their own.  Lee still receives several unsolicited manuscripts per month from people attempting to pitch him their own comedy movies.  Lee would like them to know that he is not, nor has ever been, a movie producer, and would greatly appreciate it if they would stop.

Lee was once hired by a local start-up magazine to write a monthly column about the city’s metrosexual scene, although to this day he has no idea why.  At the time, he didn’t even know what “metrosexual” meant.  Fortunately for him, the magazine folded before it ever published a single issue.

Lee has appeared on various stages around the Calgary area to little or no acclaim.  He spent several years as an amateur stand-up comic, slowly learning that he was completely incapable at remembering his own jokes.  He was invited to perform at a local comedy festival, where he had to follow a comedian who performed naked.  Lee then forgot all but one joke, and promptly got booed off stage.  He has also performed on stage musically as the harmonica player in an instrumental folk duo, although he is not nearly as embarrassed about this as you might think.  He was also the harmonica player and backup vocalist in a band that folded before it ever played a single gig.  He has sang on stage with several local bands, and once got so drunk that he forgot the words to a song and ended up singing the same verse three times in a row.  He had a great time.

Lee lives in Calgary with his girlfriend and a cat that he’s allergic to.

If you want to help me get into the festival, you can write a letter to info@themanifesto.ca demanding that Robert Lee of badnewscentral.com be brought in to cover the event.  The above biography can be pasted to the end for extra emphasis.  Deadline is July 3.

Thanks everyone, for helping me realize a dream I didn’t even know I had until yesterday.

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