My horrible, horrible song Christmas Mircales has been run through a sophisticated music-analyzing program, and it has determined that it has all the qualities of a smash hit. I don’t understand this at all. Please click on it and vote for it so it can become the huge smash it deserves to be.
If you missed the song the first time I posted it, check it out:
Also on radar is a live-action Yogi Bear movie, with Dan Akroyd as Yogi and Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo. Merry Christmas!
DORG here, not Rob. Yeah, I haven’t written anything in a few months. I’ve been busy lazy.
Having recently played the most recent installment to the Legend of Zelda franchise, Spirit Tracks, I can officially confirm that Zelda games now suck. Back in the 80’s and early 90’s, video games did not require long, drawn-out, insistent tutorials on how to perform every possible function of the game from ‘how to attack enemies’ to ‘how to navigate the menus’ to ‘how to press the button.’ I understand that these games are basically targeted to be playable for children, retarded children. I was a child when I first played Zelda games on NES consoles at a friend’s house. (I always had Sega consoles, SMS, Genesis, etc.) We didn’t need tutorials on how to do anything; we didn’t even read the fucking manual. We learned by playing the game.
So the games are easier, the tutorials are mind-numbingly mundane, and the plot is more convoluted than ever. This isn’t even what really pisses me off about the modern titles of the series. It’s the ever-increasing length of time between inputting your name on the New Game menu to how long it takes before you actually get a sword and kill something, as in, actually playing the game.
Because of this, I have taken it upon myself to play every official Nintendo Zelda games, (not the CDi ones because they’re horrible and I do not own a CDi) and timed typical play through from the very beginning, to the moment Link holds a sword above his head.
For consistency, I have read only essential dialogue at a steady casual pace, and skipped as many optional side-quests as possible in every game, going straight for the sword. These times are not meant to be speed-run based, and could probably be lower, but for the sake of this experiment, it must be based on a typical first-play pace.
The conclusion: A trend that shows how each successive Zelda title is drastically increasing the time from the beginning to actually being able to carry out the traditional point of the game. I predict that if the world does not end in 2012, the next Zelda title will take approximately 2 hours from starting out to actually being able to play. This comes as very little surprise, since the last teaser poster revealed by Nintendo showed Link holding no sword at all. Furthermore, with the addition to Wii Motion Plus, if we do happen to get a sword in the next game, arm-cramping waggle control will ensue.
Having hated the first Twilight movie, I was a little worried when when my wife managed to score opening day tickets for New Moon. I didn’t feel any better when we walked into the theatre to find that we were older than a majority of the audience by at least a decade.
The opening few scenes left me cold. The acting hadn’t got any better since the first movie, and the vampire makeup was noticeably worse. Whereas the first movie gave the Cullens pale white faces that looked like last-minute Halloween costumes, New Moon cakes their entire heads in so much white makeup that they look like a family of mimes. However, the vampires disappear fairly early in, and are replaced by a pack of Native American werewolves who insist on wandering around shirtless all the time. We’re introduced to them when a naked man walks out of the woods holding Bella’s unconscious body, and everybody celebrates and thanks him instead of doing the obvious thing and calling the police. Things take a turn for the outright hilarious when Edwards starts manifesting himself as Bella’s conscience, and unfortunately ends up looking like a sickly Obi-Wan Kenobi. I settled in and prepared for an even more painful experience than sitting through the first movie.
My feelings for the franchise, however, completely turned around when, less than half an hour into the movie, my wife stood up and loudly announced “This movie is stupid, I’m leaving!” We got dirty looks from all the teenage girls, looks of awe from all the teenage boys, and we even got our money back from the theatre. We re-spent that money at the bar next door.
New Moon truly is the gift that keeps on giving this holiday season.
5/5
I’m sure most of you are at least passingly familiar with the website Something Awful. I’ve been a forum member there for a while, and I’ve done the odd Front Page movie review for them.
This year, us forum members made a Chirstmas album. Two of them, to be exact.
You can stream them or download them here.
I’m on Volume 2, so you should definitely download that one, or better yet, both of them. Also, my testimonial is quoted right at the top of the page, so you know it’s good. These albums make wonderful gifts, so be sure to make copies for everyone you know.
